When you are part of a tour there are three important factors which, when combined, will almost definitely ensure its success.
a) Nice, friendly fellow tour group members
b) A well balanced and varied itinerary
And
c) A really cute guy you can perve at from the backseat
Unfortunately, our PaddyWagon tour of Ireland lacked in the department of the latter, however we also had one aspect that was, almost, better.
The funniest, and craziest tour guide ever.
Introducing Connor:
a.k.a Conrad
a.k.a Captain
a.k.a Capitano
Someone with that amount of names must have to have a similar sized head to match, and that pretty much sums up the crazy Irishman who manoeuvred us around Southern Ireland for three days.
Here are some of the better ‘Connor’ moments that have to be shared, if not for laughs, simply for longevity - these have to be written down for historical comedic purposes.
Connor Moment Number #1:
Connor loved the Aussies.
Whilst it may not appear it at first, or maybe at all, he had a little spot for us in the crazy Irish heart of his. Here are a few of the tender stories he shared with us about the special bond between the Irish and Australians.
‘We have a very strong pub culture in this country boys and girls (be prepared for that a lot, that’s pretty much all he called us even though none of us were five…). The Australians say that they do as well, but ill tell you, you do not have anything like us Irish do. Firstly, when we want a drink we go to the pub. Not you Australians. You drive into a weird garage thing and give a guy some money and he puts beer through your window, which you put in the fridge. When I was in Australia I said to a friend late on a Monday night, ‘let’s go to the pub for a drink’ to which he replied, ‘oh mate I’ve got work tomorrow and its like 10:00pm, just go to the kitchen and get a beer from the fridge’. In Australia you have to make plans to go the pub – ‘Connor we’ll go on Friday night ok, I promise at this time we will go’. In Ireland we got the pub whenever and wherever. In Ireland you have to make plans to go to kitchen to drink – ‘Connor on Friday night we’ll go to the kitchen to drink, I promise at this time we will go’.
Australian’s think you have a pub culture? We Irish think not, and don’t bother trying to come up with a retort for that one boys and girls cause I know you are thinking ‘Connor is right’
And unfortunately, but hilariously, he was.
‘We have a sport here called Gaelic football. And we actually do a tournament versus the Australians with a mixture of rules from their game AFL – it’s called International Rules. However, a lot of Irish folk feel that the Irish have to give up too much for the Australians.
You moan and complain because you have to learn to handle a round ball after the oval one that you use for AFL.
BUT the tackling rules are laid in favour of the Australians – we get our puny little Irishmen put up against your ENORMOUS AFL players, who get pummelled so hard they become part of the playing field. And the Irish argue our game is so much more skilful, whereas in AFL you just smash someone into the ground, step on them, grab the ball and run off.
Now does that sound fair boys and girls?
Connor Moment #2
His one liners
(talking about Irish history)
‘So it is all very interesting, lots of shit went down boys and girls and this made Ireland what it is today’
(leaving Galway on the first night)
‘Good morning boys and girls, hope you had a nice night in County Galway. If you had a big night and are feeling a little seedy this morning you will be happy to know we will be going through some of the windiest and roughest Irish roads pretty much all day!’
(referring to Louise and I)
‘I’ve decided to call you Floozy #1 and Floozy #2. What is a floozy? (we asked) – well if a very nice girl is a 1 and a prostitute is a 10 then a floozy is about a 6’.
Oh nice, thanks Connor!
(referring to Dublin)
‘I like Dublin, the best thing I like about it is the view of it in the rear view mirror. It’s shit’.
Was Connor actually a really good and informative tour guide?
DEFINITELY
Was he trying to hit on some of the tour members?
MAYBE
Will I get sick of hearing him calling us ‘Darling’ in his Irish accent all day?
PROBABLY NOT!
X
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