We are all familiar with the biblical tale of Moses. He climbs to the top of Mount Sinai and receives the Holy Ten Commandments from God, which are intended to help his people lead pure and fulfilling lives. We all know them: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Thou Shalt Obey Mother and Father, Thou Shalt Always Eat The Crusts of Sandwiches Lest They Get Curly Hair.
But the Maltese must have all been in their siesta when Moses trotted to the top of that famous mountain and God came out of the clouds in all his puffy Holiness.
Because Malta has a very different set of Commandments…(featuring in descending order of course)
#10 Thou Shalt Have Plentiful Amounts of Stray Cats
I have never such a feline phenomenon as there was in Malta. It was like a water balloon of Cats exploded over the country and they all fell around the island. Ok that is not a great example because Cats HATE water but you get the general idea. The first few times I saw them, it was a little strange but I soon learnt that the only person staring incredulously was me, and that perhaps I was missing something. On the boardwalk along St Julian’s Bay lives dozens, all strolling around or lying in the sun with no worries in the world except where their next mouse will come from. Being a cat woman myself (pun intended) I loved it, so many pretty kitties to swoon over. Many of whom sat with me for hours and hours as I read, patted them and considered whether being an old spinster cat lady would really be SUCH a bad thing… At least they don’t hog the remote and leave the toilet seat up…
#9 Thou Shalt All Have Some (if only miniscule) Relationship to Australia
From what I discovered, the Maltese love Australia. They don’t know a WHOLE lot about it
(OLD MAN: ‘Where are you from?’
ME: Australia
OLD MAN: Ah! Australia! Sydney or Melbourne?
ME: Um well neither…. )
But their enthusiasm towards our great country is nonetheless impressive. Everyone I talked to had a mother, brother, auntie’s uncle’s yellow canary that immigrated to Australia and ‘very much likes it there’ (unsure how the canary would have communicated this). Triple points goes to the little Maltese man who tried to show his deepest condolences for my country with its ‘very bad water problems…’
#8 Thou Shalt Celebrate Cocktail Hour At Any Time
Along with the amazing Maltese sun, cocktails (along with gelati) were the other thing which ensured my position in a bliss induced coma the whole trip. There is no good time for cocktails in Malta.
Day One I had a cocktail with my afternoon brunch at 3:00pm.
The next day with my lunch at 12:30pm.
And then finally the last day as an accompaniment to my morning reading session at 11:00am.
Was there a judgemental or even remotely surprised face in the building? No siree.
NB: and on that note, nobody thought it was strange to have tiramisu gelati at 9:30am either.
Bless these people.
#7 Thou Shalt Provide An Efficient and Helpful Sightseeing Service
The Malta Sightseeing Tour was amazing. The ticket was valid for the whole day, and unlike other sightseeing tours which just take you around the city, this tour took you around THE ENTIRE ISLAND. I know that Malta is probably half the size of one side of Adelaide but that is completely beside the point. The tour guides and bus drivers were really friendly and all spoke Maltese, English and Italian. Which I would have appreciated more if I spoke either Maltese or Italian.
(Although, one time the tour guide asked this Italian couple to see their tickets and I had to physically restrain myself from jumping up and screaming ‘Hey I understood that!!!’ Miss Pomari would have been proud). The bus driver even drove me to meet Carla, in a different TOWN, just because he had dropped everyone else at their hotels and so why shouldn’t he drop me somewhere?
#6 Thou Shalt Make Terribly Translated Tour Commentary
The only downfall of the tour was the commentary. Unfortunately, the content must have been written in Maltese first and then when it was translated into English a little something got lost along the way…
Regarding the Italian population in Malta:
‘There are many Italians that live on the island and many people speak fluent Italian. A lot of Maltese families take part in Italian culture and often eat pasta more than once a week’
LOL!
#5 Thou Shalt Not Speak Normally But Constantly Shout
If there is such a thing as an official indoor voice (and not something your parents just make up to keep you quite at important family functions) then Malta have not been informed. They don’t mean it an angry way (although you wouldn’t want to make one of them angry to check) they are just very enthusiastic. With almost absolutely everything they say. It was not uncommon to see two men shouting at each other over the road, not about anything, probably just whose turn it was for the weekly poker game or the neighbourhood gossip (obviously I’m just guessing because I don’t understand Maltese – could have been complex Mafia plans for all I know). I’m guessing there was never a successful timid Maltese businessman, he would have been outshouted in no time.
#4 Thou Shalt Drive The Most Craziest Humanely Possible
The Maltese drive on the left side of the road. They give way to the right on roundabouts and they stop at red lights and go at green. Aside from that, I couldn’t find ANY international road rules they did adhere to – they all drive with the intention to get somewhere NOW or die trying. People pull out everywhere and there are constant traffic blockages with people refusing to let other people in, people who are trying their damndest to make them do so. A lot of streets in Malta are only one way one which creates a whole new basket of bees worth of problems. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I haven’t decided yet…) I witnessed a poor man who stalled his car and couldn’t restart it, thus holding up the HUGE line of traffic behind him on a busy one way road. But of course in true Maltese fashion, people all stopped their cars, got out and helped him push it to the curb.
Malta: stopping the traffic chaos for one minute to help a brother in need.
#3 Thou Shalt Make Constant, Plentiful and Very Unnecessary Overuse of A Car Horn
By the end of five days I wanted to curse the man who invented the car horn.
Or bus horn.
Or bike bell.
If there is any obstacle between a Maltese driver (in any form) and where they want to go, they will honk. A lot. So much in fact that when asked what the ambience of Malta sounds like (ok well nobody asked me that but hypothetically) I would say, swishing waves, smiling babies and honking. The Maltese Buses are the worst, they will honk at anything (half the time I swear it was just at thin air) and paired with the crazy driving and buses which are like a million years old – it all makes for an interesting ride!
#2 Thou Shalt Have The Most Amazing Scenery in Europe
Ok so this is a biggie. But I don’t believe in doing things half assed and if you’re going to make the big calls you got to get behind them. I believe Malta is the most beautiful place I have EVER scene.
When I caught a taxi from the airport, we drove through Balluta Bay to get to my hostel and as soon as we turned the corner into the bay I gasped. OUT LOUD. Like someone drowning. Even in the dark I had never seen anything so amazing in my entire life. Over the next five days it only got better, and with each new place I was more and more amazed. I think I took 40 photos of the same views just because I thought the more I took, the better the camera could capture what I was actually seeing in front of me.
And after I put the photos on FB, judging by the 41 notifications I got just on THAT album of 70 photos, other people were amazed too.
#1 Thou Shalt Have The Friendliest People You Will Ever Meet
Anyone who says there is such a thing as a mean spirited native Maltese person is deluded, deranged or lying to make their own country feel better. This small population of people are the kindest people I have ever come across and (as I found out) will do ALMOST anything to help you in times of need. Of course, travelling by myself an unable to consult with travelling partners about any possible trip difficulties, I was doing a lot of asking.
Firstly, there was the taxi man who took me to my hostel. He didn’t really know where to go but got help from the other taxi drivers and soon we were on our way. We arrived and realised that we were indeed quite lost. He stops the car, gets out and talks to this cute little old Maltese man walking past, asking him for directions. Still, we cannot find it. So we call the hostel and he talks to the girl on the phone and figures out where to go. He drives me there, carries my suitcase inside and makes sure that I have everything I need .And then, when I try to tip him he refuses, ‘all part of the job lovely’.
Most taxi drivers would disagree my lovely.
Secondly, when going back to the airport (maybe I just have airport issues), the reception to the hostel was closed and I had no way of calling a taxi and no credit with which to do so. So I go to the little corner shop across the road and ask if they can call one for me. Next thing I know the husband says he will take me – we’re in his car and driving to the airport! I’m sitting with his little daughter in the backseat staring at me constantly (‘What’s your name?????????? she says) and then suddenly we are there. He does accept money but only because I would have forced it on him if he had refused.
Thirdly, there was Carla, Pete’s cousin who took time out of her busy studying-for-exams schedule to come into town and hang with me. Of course she is related to Pete, but for all she know I could have been a psychopath on the lookout for Maltese blood.Well that came out more morbidly than I wanted...
And that friends, is the Ten Commandments of Malta
Was Malta one of the best places I have ever been?
DEFINITELY
Did I already consider putting in a deposit for a nice sea view apartment?
MAYBE
Will I ever forget my five perfect Maltese days?
PROBABLY NOT!
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